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Detoxifying Relationships: How to Develop Gaslight Repellant
We often talk about stress, what tests you could take to measure your hormones, supplements, box breathing… things you can do when you experience a disbalance in your stress hormones.We know negative emotions can cause a disbalance in your stress hormones, but we didn’t talk about that yet here. This article goes more in-depth on how to recognise some toxic behaviours, so you can learn what to do with them.
This tip will be about a manipulation technique called gaslighting. This article answers the questions:
- What is Gaslighting?
- Why do people gaslight?
- What can you do when you are being gaslighted?
What Is Gaslighting?
When someone gaslights you it means that someone is denying your reality. We all have done it and we all have experienced it. Typical phrases that are used when someone denies your reality are:- I think you are forgetting what really happened.
- You are being too sensitive!
- It isn’t that bad…
- “I did that because I love you” or “If you loved me, you would … XYZ”
- You keep saying weird stuff… I’m starting to worry about you.
Gaslighting is not the same as lying. A lie can become gaslighting when it contains that extra dimension that someone’s feelings or experiences are being denied. Examples of gaslighting are blame-shifting, minimizing or dismissing someone’s needs, constant disapproval, using love as an excuse, “forgetting”, withholding information and invalidating emotions.Not everyone is able to gaslight you. The person that can gaslight you is often someone you trust, respect or has a position of power over you. It can happen in any type of relationship: romantic, professional and within family relationships.
People that are being gaslighted can start holding back on what they feel. They can start apologizing a lot. They doubt themselves and as a result, they might have problems making decisions. And they often feel tenser, especially around the person who gaslights them. The feeling you are walking on eggshells is often a sign you are being manipulated.
There is a very simple test that you could do in order to determine if you are being gaslighted. If you ever feel the need to record conversations because you feel you are getting crazy, you are probably being gaslighted.
Why Do People Gaslight?
There can be several reasons. Gaslighting can be done to gain power and control over someone, but it can also be a way to protect the gaslighter’s self-image. A lot of narcissists are natural experts in gaslighting, but you don’t have to be a narcissist to gaslight.Can You Gaslight Yourself?
Yes! Yes, you can!If you are frequently dealing with gaslighting, in time you can start doubting yourself. The gaslighter might be gone, but his/her job is now done by the one who has been gaslighted! Here are some ‘symptoms’ of self-gaslighting:
- You doubt your own memories.
- You always second-guess your own decisions.
- You excuse others’ bad behaviours by saying: “They are having a bad day”, “They are stressed” or “They had a hard life”.
- You blame yourself for everything or start apologizing for everything.
What Can You Do When You Are Being Gaslighted?
The first thing that gives you gaslight repellant is:You have to learn to own your truth.
With gaslighting, feelings are often minimalized or denied. Even whole experiences can be denied, leaving the one who is being gaslighted in doubt. Let me give an example and if you have read the example, think first: how would you react? Let’s take an interpersonal example:You tell your partner: “Hey, we need to go to the restaurant! I made a reservation at 7 PM!”
Your partner says: “No it’s not, the reservation is at 9 PM!”
You show your partner the reservation and say: “No it’s not. Look! here is the confirmation!”
Your partner says: “Oh my god… You always book tickets at the most stupid times. Now we have to drive in rush hour. It is amazing how you can’t even account for that. It should have been 9PM!”
Now pause for a moment. What would you do? What will cause the least amount of cortisol & adrenaline in your body?Calling this person out for a gaslighter will often result in a second wave of manipulation. Gaslighters might for example say “Are you calling me a monster? Look who is manipulating now!”. Calling out a gaslighter can sometimes help, but when your partner happens to be a narcissist (1 in 20 people are!) it can even be dangerous and lead to more emotional abuse. Here are few things you can do:
Disengage
The best tactic is: disengage.Take a deep breath and try to realize that this behaviour has nothing to do with who you are. It is a reflection of who they are. Disengaging is in fact an exercise in mindfulness. Stay calm, take a deep breath and ground yourself.
Remain confident in your version of events
Like I said: own your truth!You could for example say: “It seems we see things differently, but I don’t want to argue about it”. Avoid further discussion by changing the subject or leaving the room.
In some cases, people who lash out can feel guilty after their reaction and come back later to it. But this isn’t the goal per se.
Set a boundary
Most people don’t know how to set a boundary. A boundary has 2 components. Setting a boundary means telling someone where the line is AND what happens when they cross them.“I don’t want to be talked to that way”, isn’t a boundary.
A better boundary is saying: “I don’t want to be talked to that way. If you do I won’t go to the restaurant.”
Involve friends you trust
You might worry talking to other people about the situation will lead to drama. But when dealing with gaslighting, it’s important to get insight and support from people you trust. Seeking input from different people in your life can help reinforce your knowledge that you aren’t confused, “crazy,” or losing your memory.Being gaslighted can lead to serious health problems. It starts by recognizing when it happens. The second step is an internal growth you will have to make. It is an exercise in self-confidence when it happens. It isn’t always possible to avoid the gaslighter. They might be family, a romantic partner or even your boss.
But if their personality style is like this, minimizing contact and owning your truth at least will get you out of the space of self-doubting… which is a big win!
Daniel
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6 Replies
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Keep these coming Daniel!
Often we fixate so much on our physical health and to improve it, that we forget what huge role our mental health plays in it and vise versa….
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Fantastic post . Are there any other tips other than disengaging with the person who gaslights & setting boundaries, or are these the main 2 things to do?
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Disengaging and setting boundaries are the 2 main tips when you can recognize a gaslight situation.
In the case of a narcissistic personality style, the rules change a bit though. Setting boundaries can already cause a second wave of manipulation because narcissists don’t care about boundaries unless these boundaries hurt them in some way. Recognising and disengaging are the most important tools if you can’t leave the relationship. They prevent you from doubting yourself and they protect against a second wave of hurtful behaviours.
When people set boundaries, often the non-narcissistic person can reflect on their behaviour and might come back later to apologize.
Empathy as ‘trick’
There is a trick (and I will update the tip), that I don’t see talked about. You can utilise empathy.The empathy however is for you and isn’t meant to give the gaslighter a free pass.
People who gaslight are often in a form of pain. Recognizing the pain at the moment can help you to stay calm, disengage easier and set boundaries from a place of strength.
This empathy shouldn’t be used to rationalize the behaviour of the gaslighter: He/she has a bad day or is stressed, so I won’t make a deal out of this. It is never ok to deny someone’s reality.
Recognizing that this person might be in some form of pain can also help to let go of vengeful thoughts and feelings or rumination.
If someone else uses a different method, do share!
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have you come across therapy that is helpful for the narcissist? You mention they are often in pain, so would emotional release work for instance be something that would help? Are there any nutritional components to it from a functional approach?
Really interesting topic…
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How to help someone with narcissism is difficult because the problem is multi-factorial.
For starters, narcissism isn’t a diagnosis, but a personality style. Narcissism becomes only a diagnosable disorder if the quality of life of the narcissist is significantly impacted. It then is diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
It is a personality style that is also really hard to recognize for therapists because a narcissist does know how to behave and is often very charismatic.
A third problem is one of the traits of narcissism: the lack of self-reflection. They don’t recognize their behaviour as a problem and therefore don’t seek out help in general.
Some narcissists do seek out help, but then the problem often becomes that the therapy turns into a new stage for their attention-seeking behaviour. This is why many therapies don’t seem to work.
It requires both a skilled therapist that understands narcissism and the willingness of the narcissist to work on the real problem. In these cases, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy), Schema therapy and therapies that address traumas can help.
The origin of narcissism
There are different ways to become narcissistic in nature. It is often a combination of different factors. Temperament (the inherited component of behaviour) plays often a role together with other factors like for example neglect(not enough caring attention) or over-pampering (too much caring attention) in childhood. Traumas can also have a big contribution to shaping narcissism.Narcissists that have experienced early childhood traumas result in a way of looking at life that can be described like they feel the ultimate victim. They reason like this: “I was the one who was physically and emotionally abused in childhood, not them. They are the ones who must understand me, the ones who must adapt to what I need in every moment”.
Of course, there is much more at play. A lot of people with traumas don’t become narcissistic.
But addressing traumas often is a part of the process.
Narcissism & Nutritional Components
In terms of nutrients, there isn’t much known yet, unfortunately. At least not that I know of. I can imagine we can do a lot in the prevention stage which is in childhood.Reversing the dynamic is a total different animal. We do know that Brain Development in Narcissistic Personality Disorder has often been altered (but not always) and it doesn’t look easily reversible.
Therapy often can help a narcissist learning how they should behave, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they learn the ability to empathize with people. It is more of a ‘knowing’ instead of ‘feeling’ and that often takes years as well.
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this is fascinating and holds so much truth. Thank you for sharing
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